Today was one of the worst days of my life. Six months ago at the age of 16 my youngest son hooked up with some very bad people, made some horrible choices, and landed himself in some legal trouble that may affect him for the rest of his life. Today I took my "baby" to the first of what will most likely be several court dates. Of course, the outcome is unknown.
There is something surreal about finding yourself in this situation. You feel emotionally raw but you are not allowed weakness. You are a mother. It's your job to be strong for your child, to set an example of how to face with honor and integrity the realities of poor choices you've made, to speak intelligently with the attorney. To be there for your child who is putting on a brave face but is scared to death - which breaks your motherheart even more. Even though you feel like your life is somehow swirling down the toilet boil, you must remain calm, unflustered. Immovable.
I'm good in a crisis. I don't break down until things have been handled. Today was also a day to see how other people in your life stand up for you when you need it most. I learned that I couldn't count on the person in my life that should be the one person that I can count on. What that will mean in my future may be uncertain but, more likely, it is simply a certainty that I can't fully face yet. Today in court we achieved a 30-day evaluation "stay" and we'll move forward one step at a time and see what the next step brings...
That kind of stress and emotional unrest gives me migraines. The only thing that can really cure a migraine for me is Vicodin, a dark room, and a long sleep. Obviously I can't achieve that remedy unless everything else is taken care of so I'll wait until evening to get rid of this hell in my head.
Adding hours of tears to a migraine spells "no appetite" for me but I forced myself to eat today. Unfortunately, I fell far short of my liquids consumption minimums and I probably needed that water most of all. I really thought I'd skip dinner - the thought of eating almost made me nauseous - and I took my first Vicodin at 6:30. But as I was waiting for it to "kick in" I made myself prepare the food anyway. It felt good knowing I was taking care of myself one little step at a time. I hoped that one would do the trick. With no easing of the throbbing pain, I took another little magic pill at 8 p.m. and dropped off into a well deserved stupor by 9:30.
- Apple
LUNCH
- Chicken & Cabbage Soup
SNACK
- Strawberries
DINNER
- Pre-baked chicken
- Asparagus, steamed
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